Wednesday, July 28, 2010


It seems that BAD ADVICE in the morning has been usurped, abandoned, and now replaced by what CONOR O'FARRELL refers to as his legitimate throne: OFF THE LEASH - a bi-weekly column in the TOWNCRIER. This once great lion of wrong directions
and time-wasting has been obviously seduced by the glamour and celebrity that comes with being (his quote) "on staff" at the legendary CRIER. Hobknobbing with literary journalism giants like JP Crumrine and Marshall Smith can not hide the fact that this lion, off the leash, is really only a stray dog. I say, "Put the leash back on before he gets hit by a car." Enough reflective, cerebral, 'what I've learned about life' nonsense. We have him on TV for that.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don't know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn's coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn.
As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn's outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Is it more important for a "true" man to be a thoughtful, considerate husband and a caring and loving be desirable to a multitude of beautiful women? I'd like your thoughts on this.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Dear Bloggers,
Frank and I are wiping the sweat from our brows and emerging from our secret laboratories gratified and exhausted knowing that our groundbreaking work on the female anatomy is complete. The alphabet is covered and our test subjects sent home satiated. Women everywhere will someday benefit from our selfless research on the inexhaustable bounderies of female pleasure. There was a time there during the process that I thought we might lose Frank, having gone three nights without sleep or rest, but he got his second wind and discovered spot L, M, N, O2 and P. It was a glorious moment in our research. Farkel's P spot was abandoned altogether, we quickly realized that he was there only for the donuts.
Now that we have saved Humnanity, Frank and I are once again ready to tackle the problems of the day in that virtual wasteland you all reside in, yes Bobcatty, that means you. We are planning a few personal appearances and some charity work helping homeless Playmates, but we should have time to help you with your petty squabbles and ridiculous crisis'. Remember, as you're carving up that turkey today, to be Thankful for Frank and I, for if it wasn't for us Idyllwild would just be real estate, pawn shops and hookers. Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Alright All you Ladies out there,
Frank and I have been holed up in our test laboratories to try to solve the problem of the mythical "G" spot. Discovered in the 70's, we've decided that there has been no new frontiers forged regarding that gloriously delicious letter in the alphabet. After putting our heads together we have broken new ground....the "F" and "C" spot. Found in the 3 o'clock and 9 o'clock position in relation to the "G" spot, the F and C spot is twice the fun and lasts twice as long as its cousin the G. Frank and I have made it our personal mission to continue our research until we find a spot that corresponds to every letter in the alphabet. With the addition of the F and C spot to lexicon of female anatomy, that leaves 21 more new worlds to discover in our quest to go where no man has gone before. Husbands, continue this groundbreaking work...and can thank us later.
As always, we're here to help,
F and C

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Dear Bloggers,
I'm on special assignment deep in the bowels of Orange County. I'm talking deep cover. I will, however, be blogging from deep within my bunker. So keep those cards and letters coming. Though I am far away from you, my children, I have not abandoned you. I will always make time to disrupt the everyday madness of my faithful followers. Remember, my dirty drawers are with you always.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Alright all you fellow wise-crackers out there,

Here's the info on the play I'm doing in Costa Mesa, just in case some of you might want to come and support your favorite punching bag. Name of the play is "Saturn Returns", it opens this Friday, Oct. 23 and closes Nov 22. You can get tickets at So get off your keyboards and treat yourself to some culture.