Dear Frank and Conor fans:
Having been unemployed for the past 5 months has got me in a bit of a funk. I need a reality check. Jobs I used to book on a regular basis, I'm not longer booking. Is it me or the present business climate? Have I changed that much? Is the ride over? Should I just exit the car and go look for another way to make mischief and cashola? Your feedback be a welcoming light on a dark and restless sea.
Monday, August 17, 2009
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Conor, I'm a blog virgin except as a naked voyeur, but your plea forces me to enter the depths of the labrynth. Get a grip on yourself! Suck it up! We depend on you to be confident, self assured and convinced that the future holds only terrific things for you. Frank said a while back that you are the Master. He's right! What hope do the rest of us have if you falter, even for one terrified moment? Disregard all of the terrible reviews you get and the rotten tomatoes thrown at you (make marinara sauce with them.)
ReplyDeleteDon't get that depressed look on your face like a certain real estate agent has had for the past 6 months. You're made of better stuff than that. It's healthy that you're being introspective, trying to figure out if you need to change your M.O. Forget the ingenue roles and try for the Boris Karloff, Adolphe Menjou parts. Maybe you'll find a new niche. If all else fails you could get a job as a Frank clone at the newest restaurant in town.
What advice would you offer one of your fans if they wrote the pathetic, self pitying blog to you that you burdened us with?
Dear Conor:
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry to hear about the vexing lack of work, but I want to let you know that I think this sarcastic, bitter misanthrope is a great role for you! I’d hate to have you ruin the mystique by revealing yourself to be a boringly decent and responsible citizen, fretting over mortgage payments and college savings plans.
However, I do have a suggestion: If you’ve studied any job boards lately, (which I do, DILIGENTLY, for about five seconds, before flicking over to a fashion website,) you’ll know that what’s important on a resume today is not skill or experience, but “Personal Brand!” Its’ not what you can do, but what you say you are that counts! I have actually seen applicants get jobs by touting their credentials as Nike shoes or Ginsu knives. So what I’m thinking of for you is something like, “Sarcastic, Bitter Misanthrope with a Heart of Gold-Like-Stainless-Steel-Alloy.” Once you’ve refined your “brand,” you can market it to your followers on Twitter and give Ashton Kutcher a run for his money.
I myself have been considering my options and am debating between “Hopeless Dilettante,” and “Hopeless Dilettante with Cute Shoes.” Perhaps you could tell me which would go over better on the media market?
Dear Frank and Conor:
ReplyDeleteAs I frantically searched through musty documents trying to find the pink slip to my 20-year-old “Clunker” last weekend, like a squirrel looking for his nuts, I found, instead, decade-old pay stubs and tax documents, revealing that my pay has been stagnant for the last 10 years – that is until work furlough slashed it another 15 percent. Now my new boss wants me to write up my updated “duty statement!” I have a wife and two kids, so I can’t say “take this job and shove it!” So how should I phrase my job description to convey the rage of a nutless squirrel?
F and C,
ReplyDeleteIs it just me, or has the TC made it harder to find your guy's blog?
You're the only blog worth reading!! They should make it easier, not harder.
Why do you think this is happening, just when you guys were beginning to catch on fire? Why would they be jealous? Maybe they're thinking about starting up a J.P. and Marshall Advice That Can't Possibly Help Blog. Do you think they're qualified for that?
dear yeah but still,
ReplyDeleteTry this for a "dooty" statement.
My job, as I see it, is to engage in as much fruitless activity as my pay scale would demand. Today I put a bid on a "water wiggle" with a leak on EBay, my bid ceiling is $3.27, as this is all I can afford on my pathetic salary. I'll spend the rest of the day flirting with girls at work that will never have me and then go home and eat cold oatmeal for dinner. Tomorrow I'll take the bus to work, a feat in itself since my town has no public transportation, drink as much instant coffee as I am able to drink since it's free, and then scratch my butt the rest of the day since coffee makes my butt itch. At 3:00 I'll watch Oprah talk about her VA-JJ, until I totally lose my appetite, which will save me some money since I won't be able to eat for a week... and then I'll go home and watch the radio since my TV was reposessed last week. This is my life now. I'm soooooooo Happy to be working for you.
Dear Harder to Find,
ReplyDeleteFunny, I thought you were referring to something else. The only thing harder to find than our blog is a woman who loves men. "Here honey, pull my finger." What's not to like? The Town Crier can put a man on the moon but they can't organize a blog in a simple question and answer format. As for Marshall and JP, please, they can't find the "Just For Men" aisle at Target let alone dispense mean spirited useless advice. For now we're stuck with this format that Indiana Jones would find hard to uncover, map or no map. I appreciate your tenacity and hope the reward is sufficient.
Dear Bobcatty,
ReplyDeleteI put out that blog about not getting work merely to chum the waters and see what sharks I might attract. I think that one reponse was from a "Bacher Shark" the fattest meanest shark in the sea. The only way to protect yourself from them is to punch them in the nose, the most sensitive and Largest part of their body. They're usually found in the waters off of Ocean Blvd. in Brooklyn. I don't know how one found it's way into our waters.
Your response, however, was both gentle and supportive. The idea of "branding" myself is an interesting notion. Perhaps something along the line of a..."ruggedly handsome elf-like creature with wit, charm and clean underwear. Not afraid to be gentle and yet fearless in my pursuit of quality beef." A Brand that defies Branding. I quite enjoyed the thought of you as the "Hopeless Dilettante with Cute Shoes". Your faithful blogging is an inspiration to people everywhere with nothing but time on their hands and the ability to self medicate. Keep up the good work.
Shame on you Conor. Brooklyn, you think I'm from Brooklyn? That's probably the nastiest thing you ever said about me. It's going to be hard to get over this insult. I've sparred with you out of mutual respect until now. I even tolerated your starring role in Ninth District and defended your being proud of the nauseating, vomiting role you think is worthy of honorable mention at the Savage Film Festival. It's going to take time and healing and a number of chocolate scones before I get past this one.
ReplyDeleteDear Conor,
ReplyDeleteYour advice is as bad as ever!
Flirting with girls who would presumably never have me is how I wound up with the wife and kids (but I still eat cold oatmeal for dinner.)
If I continue such flirtation, I'll need a cheap divorce attorney. If that occurs, however, I'll know where to turn for bad advice!
Conor
ReplyDeleteWe may have an opening for you, at next weeks Grand Opening Celebration for the Idyll-Beast Research Center Museum and Gift Shop. I'm pretty sure the suit will fit you. Stay in touch.
DJ