Sunday, August 30, 2009

so, "get on the stick" says: "Jp's blog is looking good" More than one of you jumped on the "conor is a whining little bitch" band wagon. And now we're getting in the middle of a feud between the "Idyllbeast" and the "Taquitz Monster" ? Ok, I had a moment of self doubt, so shoot me. You want JP's blog? Fine, I'm sure he'd be happy to take our sloppy seconds. As far as this battle of the mythical creatures, go cry on David Jeromes hairy shoulder. I'm sure he'd appreciate some relief from his guitar lessons.
As for Frank and I, we're going global. It is clear we're in need of a more sophisticated, more complex thinking audience. An audience across the sea where women are allowed to sunbathe with or sans top. Where a two hour lunch is a right and an obligation not a sign of laziness. Where children are fed watered down wine at the age of 10, not twinkies and a bag of Fritos. This, my "ex-friends", is the future of "Bad Advice in the Morning". You hot chicks out there in need of our unique take on your miserable world, feel free to keep the pleas for understanding and apathy coming. As for the rest of you wrinkled old men, try JP or maybe Marshall and see how you like their style of irony and wit. Frank has been in Paris (or maybe Perris) lining up an office space for him and me from which we can storm the Bastille with vim and vigor. "How you gonna keep them down on the farm once they've seen gay old Perris?" This "whiny bitch" has left the building. When Frank returns from France we're packing up and hitting the road to the stars. It's been a fun ride but now we have to start dating other people. Abiento!!! Adieu!!..........Until that time comes......keep letters coming.

53 comments:

  1. It's A Desperate SituationSeptember 1, 2009 at 4:24 PM

    Conor, I don't think Perris is far enough for you guys to go for your new start. 48 hours since your post and no comments except for this pity one. This can't help your self esteem. 6 months no work, no posts and the question of Where's the Beef? still remains unanswered.
    Do you think your posts are possibly above or below the comprehension level of our fine citizenry? Or do they just not care?
    I believe we're at an impasse. You chuckled at the thought of JP as a blog threat, you've alienated your most loyal fan (the Bx/Bklyn issue, with no form of apology as yet), and your faithful agent is no longer taking your calls. Please, anyone who has any thread of respect left for Conor, please come forward now to show him any form of support you can muster up. Forget his disgusting mouth and lack of personal hygiene. He promises to start brushing his teeth more often, deodorant is too much to ask for (just don't stand too close.) We hope he won't have to go to Perris (although his wife has been saying silent prayers otherwise for years.)
    We need at least 3 posts in the next 24 hours to keep this Telethon
    going.

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  2. Frank stays, Conor goes.

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  3. Dear Desperate situation

    Once again the gloves are off. No apology for the the Bx/Bklyn issue? How's this for an apology, Bronx or Brooklyn, what's the difference? You're all lazy lipped gumbahs with the sophistication of an inbred schnitzel. And you're talking about my lack of hygiene? The only reason you are ever invited to a wedding is to keep the flies off the bride. Please pull out your instructions and read the bold print. BAD ADVICE IN THE MORNING!!!!! The very title implies a question. Is the nuance of this concept lost on your keen Bronx infused intellect? That being said...you've got the cutest pointy little bald head I've ever seen...and without you I'd have nothing to do on this blog.

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  4. Dear Few words,
    You want Frank? good luck. you may have noticed that he hasn't contributed to this blog site for the last three weeks. Face it, without me this site would be called: "Frank, No Advice in the Morning (or any other time for that matter)"

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  5. Oh my, I have missed out on quite a bit since my exit from town. I guess I'll have to check the town crier for my weekly dose of Conor and Frank? Or just Conor at least, I know I have missed his wit over the past year.

    Oh well... if it takes me reading the Crier once a week to get my dose, I guess I have some reading to catch up on. Good to see you guys haven't changed.

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  6. 4 posts in 24 hours. Guess Conor gets to stay. So what if 2 of the posts were his. Sort of like nominating yourself to be the Essence of Idyllwild. Here's a question needing your pathetic advice. In an effort to increase my cash flow, I'm thinking about renting a store in town. What type of merchandise would you recommend in terms of items that both locals and visitors would need and buy. I'm serious about doing this and expect to last more than the average 3 to 6 months. What type of store would you open? I'm considering advertising in the TC for a business partner as well. Can you help me with a business plan for this venture? Doesn't it sound exciting?

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  7. Conor I LOVE your mouth and your hygene! The glasses and the hat make you the "Complete" package for ME BABY! I will follow you to PERRIS, Mon CHERIE! xoxoxoxo

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  8. Conner,I'd like to hear your version of what happen to your hair. Is that color (chemical yellow green)difficult to achieve? Frank obviously it's your busy season, great job on the music Jazz fest weekend. I'll make your question short. What is Conner's best feature?

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  9. Dear F & C,

    Why is Idyllwild so gay-friendly, when just one mountaintop to the north (Big Bear Lake), they want to burn the owners of a restaurant at the stake for putting up a rainbow flag in advance of a mini-pride weekend over there?

    By the way, the weekend went great, no one's children were recruited, and the restaurant did a great business.

    Is it the slightly lower altitude? Better hats? Lack of ski slopes whose owners think they also own the town?

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  10. Yet another reason to love Idyllwild. Not even one kid?

    Waiting for a response boys.

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  11. Dear Laura B
    Goood to have you back. We missed you too. There is always room for a fine lady with an eye for literary talent. Frank and I are a couple of wits alright, nit-wits...but a nit-wit is better than a no-wit, and God knows we've got to many of those. Welcome Home Laura B and keep your eyes peeled for some fun.

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  12. Dear All-Agog,
    Looking for a business venture in Idyllwild during a time of national economic crisis? You, my friend, are a visionary. You might wanna think about wearing a bike helmet next time for a ride, but you are a visionary. Here are my suggestions for business opportunities in Idyllwild. First off, an Art Gallery. A town of 3200 people can never have to many Art galleries, and I don't care if they can't make their mortgage payments...people will always find the money to buy an overpriced painting that they don't understand. History has proven this time and time again. Plan B: open a restaurant/massage parlor. You could call it "Tasty Beginnings and Happy Endings". The old El Diablo space would be ideal. Tuesday nights could be "Bring your own oil night" (olive or mineral). Whatever you do, you have to distinguish yourself from Cafe Aroma...start with having good food. If none of these ideas strike a chord with you, you could always try real estate, those real estate folks are really cleaning up, plus
    everyone in town loves them. They're the closest things to rock stars that we have. Good luck and don't forget to join the Chamber of Commerce...they're funny.

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  13. Dear Anonymous,
    I am the "Complete Package" baby. I'm flattered by your praise and kind words but....the restraining order still stands.

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  14. Dear Carlos,
    If I gave out the secret to my hair color everyone would be wearing it, and I like to distinguish myself. As for my best feature, well I'll let our readership answer that one for you.

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  15. Dear Anonymous,
    Allow me to correct you, 3 children, 2 dogs and 17 chipmucks were recruited during Big Bear's mini gay pride celebration, but that's beside the point. Here in Idyllwild we love our Gays. They are funny, stylish and set a mean pace while walking. If they go then I go. And if there is any recruiting to be done remember, Uncle Frank Wants You!!!

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  16. Idyllwild loves its Gays! Please, they are always driving up the property values, sprucing up facades and opening B&B's in neighborhoods that were once the rightful territory of winos, rednecks and pensioneers. They are so overrated in the scheme of civic pride!
    Here's a question for you: Why doesn't Idyllwild love its curmudgeons? They have been steadfast and determined in their efforts to make sure no one in town has any fun. Can't we show a little appreciation?
    By the way, Conor, I hear that you're on the local recreation board. Can you let us know what you're doing to make sure our current lack of recreation persists, uninterrupted? And what can we, as citizens, do to preserve the historic dullness?

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  17. Bobcatty has entered the building! We've got a live one here.
    Good spelling, grammar, bright wit and sarcasm.
    The only flaw I detect so far is that she seems to show Conor too much respect in her blogging. I think she just hasn't spent enough time with him yet and doesn't realize he's most comfortable being insulted and abused
    Frankly I think ICRC is doing a great job entertaining the community. Airing dirty laundry has a long tradition as a TC vaudeville skit and ICRC is evidently up at bat.
    C and F, how would you settle the TC, ICRC debate in a manner that would best serve our community and help bring about the Idyllwild Community Center before the 2000 teen years?

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  18. Obviously, this situation calls for a duel between Chris Singer and J P. I suggest a pair of antique flintlocks. You might be able to borrow a set from Chris Ferroux - if he's not using them for a nerdfest, uh, reenactment that weekend. Otherwise, a set of Frank's kitchen knives will suffice. They're more cutting than J.P.'s columns, and sharper than Singer's wit. The contest could be a fundraiser for the new rec center.

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  19. Dear Concerned Citizen;
    I try to be insulting to Conor, but the one time I told him he looked like a grownup version of Eddie Munster he cried in the bathroom. And I meant it as a compliment in that instance.

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  20. Dear Bobcatty,
    I, too, moved to Idyllwild to complain about it. So, you can imagine my disapointment to discover all the hiking trails and the beautiful star filled sky. I know Ernie Maxwell really wanted a swimming pool named after him. " What am I supose to do with a trail?" he was often heard to mutter. I hope the new Community Center is like the one they have in Hemet. What do they call it? Target? That place is cool! I always see people from Idyllwild there. Or that San Jacinto Recreation Center...Walmart?!?
    And how come there's no good surfng up here? I came here to surf, dammit! How's this for an idea? The Idyllwild Gay Recreation Center?

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  21. Dear Bobcatty,
    Good to hear from you again, it's been awhile. I was afraid I might have alienated you in some way but then I realized that it takes time to store up energy for your witty observations and your quest for cute shoes.I'm glad to hear that your gays are raising your property values whereas my gays are to engaged in baking circles to find the time to landscape their yards, hence driving down my property values but driving up my waistline. As far as your Eddie Munster comment goes you're correct in your recollection of me ending up in the bathroom but I was not alone and as I recall we didn't do much crying. My input on the ICC board is limited to squirrel feeding and organizing the annual pine cone census. You can rest assured that there won't be any dynamic or engaging recreation any time soon, not on my watch. Always great to hear from you, remember, I always have my best interest at heart.

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  22. Dear Concerned Citizen,
    I didn't realize the TC and ICRC were engaged in a verbal bitch-slap. I guess if they are so engaged the only resolution would be to defer to me. Much in the way that Camp David is an international symbol of diplomacy and racy debauchery Camp Conor could be its local counterpart for resolving any conflict the TC might have with anyone. The TC is a pre-menstrual publication that can't rest unless The Brown Act is followed to the letter by every organization and citizen in Idyllwild. I, for one, try to support their crusade. Just the other night I engaged in a Brown Act shortly after attending a rather bountiful dinner party with friends. Any mediation the TC and ICRC may need from me is always available, except for the months of NOV. and Oct., they know where to find me.

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  23. Dear Yeah but still,
    I say make love not war, though I'd rather see Chris and JP in a fight than in an orgy, I still think the orgy would be more fruitful.

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  24. Dear concerned citizen,
    Contrary to popular belief ICRC is not getting bad advice from us. I think they are coming up with that stuff on thier own and the towncrier stay afloat soley from the revenues brought in by the BAD ADVICE IN THE MORNING column.

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  25. Dear Frank,
    I say rather than build the Idyllwild Center for Gay Re-Creating, we build the Frank Ferro Center for Pro-Creating. This would give us more children for whom we would need to build centers for and that would stimulate the economy. At least it would provide Frank with a place to practice what he is actually good at, and it's not cooking.

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  26. Dear Conor, For the last time. Stay away from my children.

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  27. Frankie, I'll have your children any time. Name the place and time. Conor can even watch. I understand that's all he's good for anyway. xxxxx

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  28. Now I'm really confused. I thought that Vic Sirkin was the Director of ICRC. And who is Chris Singer? Is that the guy that runs the Silver Pines Inn? And why would JP be interested in a guy? He's got a great looking wife?
    It's hard to keep up. Boys can you supply me and perhaps others with a list of the ruling class of Idyllwild? The hierachy, the town elders, the heads of unincorporatedville, the untouchables, you know...The real AAA list.

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  29. Hi Bobcatty,
    Actually, I think the Conor looks and acts more like the Eddie Haskell character.
    Regarding his crying in the toilet, he'll use any excuse to go the the men's room. Especially the ones with showers.
    Keep up the good work.

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  30. Dear Frank;
    The Idyllwild Gay Recreation Center! That's a great idea! We could bake cookies, stage musicals and talk endlessly about cute shoes.
    We could even have a simulated surfing pool, although that wouldn't be very gay.
    I was surprised to hear you wax poetic about star-gazing and healthy hikes, since those things don't normally fall into the category of BAD ADVICE.
    By the way, those places you mentioned - Target and Walmart - they aren't really recreation centers. Those are SUBURBAN THEME PARKS. It's a great thing to aspire to, but we're not zoned for that up here.

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  31. Dear Bobcatty,
    Are you thinking what I'm thinking? RAGING WATERS ! This would cover both the flamboyant demographic and the surf deprived.

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  32. Dear Need to know ,
    Chris Singer is the guy that owns the Creekstone Inn. JP is short for something, but I'm not sure what. If he has a hot wife , he's probably worth knowing. Vic Sirkin can't even spell ICRC, so I don't think they would let him direct. I think he's going to be the life gaurd at the new pool.I sure hope they have a water slide.

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  33. Dear Frank:
    Yes! RAGING WATERS! With an "Ernie Maxwell Memorial
    Water Slide." Simulates slipping down Tahquitz Rock on a plume of snowmelt. That way we can have a real outdoor experience and a faux one at the same time!

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  34. Dear Frank and Bobcatty,
    Am I just being sensitive or are you two knuckleheads making fun of the proposed new rec center. I think if we're really wanting a water park it should cater to the seniors and the gainfully unemployed crowd that hang out in front of the liquor store. How about the Depends Wet Yourself Wading Pool? or the Jose Cuervo Tequila Slide where you slide into a drunken stupor? Just a thought, but carry on and talk amongst yourselves.

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  35. Dear Conor, Fellow bad advice conselor,
    I dont think anybody here is accusing you of being sensitive.Calm down.
    Although your plea about catering to the seniors and the gainfully unemployed is a bit telling.

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  36. Frank and Bobcatty do seem to be developing a close relationship. A bit ironic, since I'm the one willing to have Frank's baby's. I think their whole water commonality has something to do with the drooling for each other that Conor has picked up on.
    Although rejected by Frank with a mere "thank you", the thought of offering myself to Conor makes me throw up. An it's not from morning sickness, I can assure you.
    I know a woman (I think it's a woman) who had sex with Conor before he was married and it's not a nice story. A very brief story, but not a nice story. Apparently he had this thing about making women he had sex with dress up like Elton John and made them sing " Yes, You Look Beautiful Tonight", to him. A quick thrust and it was over. Oh well, Frank will get tired of Bobcatty and
    come looking for me before long.

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  37. Dear Eager Beaver,
    May I call you my eager little beaver? It is true. I do make beautiful babies.But I Swear, I thought Catty was just Bob's last name. .Opps!

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  38. eager little beaverSeptember 9, 2009 at 8:14 AM

    Frank, Funny you should call me "little" beaver. How could you have known I recently had a "tightening" done in one of those in and out places on El Paseo? I feel like a teenage virgin again.
    I know you're only kidding about Bob Catty, but it does raise a number of interesting possibilities. Maybe we could introduce him to Conor? By the way, where the hell is Conor? Doing the Crying Game again? I hope not, it was too pathetic, even for him. Maybe he's working on his hair. There's only one person in town with odder hair colors than whimpy. Guess who? Till we get together I'll just have to fantasize about you. By the way, did you know that Fairway has Zucchini on sale this week? Hmmm

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  39. Dear eager little beaver,
    I wasn't aware they did that sort of thing at in n' out. No wonder it is such a successful franchaise.

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  40. Dear F&C:
    Is this blog drifting back to the lurid days of its inception when all the middle-aged swingers in town decided that anonymous blogging was a fun way to vent their most embarrassing fantasies?
    Let me make this clear: I'm on this blog to make war, NOT love!
    By the way, I'm pretty sure Eager Little Beaver is a guy; only creepy men talk about teenage virgins that way. Just a word of caution.

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  41. Dear Eager Beaver
    You're on the wrong web-site, perhaps the Megan's Law web-site is more to your liking. Watch out for that Chris Hanson.

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  42. Dear Bobcatty,
    I can't believe I'm saying this but, I couldn't agree with you more. We're swimming in the wrong gutter. Let's get back to playfully lambasting each and drop all this "key party" bullshit. Frank and Eager Beaver should just get a room and let us get back to the business of destroying lives.

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  43. Bobcatty for Governor or at least Newspaper Editor. Perfect War starting positions.

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  44. Can't we all just get along?

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  45. Eager Beaver sounds like a transvestite rodent. I agree with Bobcatty.

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  46. disappointed little beaverSeptember 9, 2009 at 1:38 PM

    That's it! I'm out of here. I thought Idyllwild would be receptive to me and my fetishes. After all, you've been pervert friendly for so long. I'm taking my boa's, push up bras, push up testes cup and my kayak and heading to Utah where I'll be appreciated.
    Don't try to find me, but I may sneak into the Belly Dance Troupe tonight for a last swat at Frank.

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  47. Dear Frank and Conor, How do you figure this? Here in Idyllwild we have this foul mouthed, irreverent, ever lustful, respects no one, non stop bullshitting, bad actor, dude, who sits his fat ass down in a pew every Sunday, and thinks he's saved for yet another week. Who the hell is he kidding? Do his fellow parishioners know who and what he really is? I can't even imagine what schemes are going through his mind as he pretends to honor the lord.
    Where I come from, we take these guys out and uninvite them to our services. Do you think there's a bit of hypocrisy going on here? I sit there and fume at his audaciousness. How would you handle this situation if you were me? Don't you think good Christians should set an example for potential recruits all the time?

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  48. Dear Pro Decency
    Well, you have certainly risen the bar for mean spiritedness. If you're at all interested in my religious beliefs or concerned about my hypocritical behavior, my suggestion to you would be to sit down and have a discussion face to face. If you're not interested in this don't waste our time.

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  49. Hey, We're into sex, drugs and rock and roll. Pro Decency, go back where you came from.

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  50. First it was the brown bear and now the last eager beaver has migrated to utah. What next ? I here that even Joanns is now extinct. All the natural beauty that once defined Idyllwild is quickly fading.What will become of the bikers and the weekend warriors. I'm sure they'll be gone too.

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  51. Dear F&C
    And now it's Becky retiring! We're losing all our local color. Do you two have any tips to help us dig deeper into our despair?

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  52. Dear Bobcatty ,
    Even Elvis saw this day coming. That's why he got out early.

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