Tuesday, September 15, 2009

So, what's with all these comments referring to ourselves as "locals" and referring to them as "flatlanders". Is this a bad remake of "Road Warrior: Return to Thunderdome" we are living in? I've got news for you, being a "local" is not like being a Nobel Prize laureate. It's not like we actually accomplished something by being a local, short of just moving up here...we did absolutely nothing. And as for the "flatlanders", their only sin, implied in the moniker, is that they live in a place without mountains. I was a "flatlander" a few years ago while visiting Kaui with my family. I was driving a Dodge Intrepid rent a car. While at stop signs I kept getting honked at and flipped off by "locals" driving by. At first I couldn't figure out whose kid I ran over or whose wife I raped but then I realized that the only Dodge Intrepids on the island were rent-a-cars and by driving one I may as well had TOURIST tatooed on my ass. After two weeks of this my feeling was they could have their stinking island and they would have my vote for turning Kaui into a nuclear test ground. As for the ritual executions, I could think of a few bloggers that would top my list. I suggest that all the "locals" aspire to something a little higher than just living in Idyllwild.


  1. Conor, Please use your influence and have the TC remove their breaking news flash about Becky Clark's retirement. Will it remain there until you and Frank are named co-editors? I could bear it if that were the case.
    New regime on the blog. The Age of Being Nice to Each Other.

  2. Dear Optimistic,
    Speaking of "The Age of Being Nice to Each Other" How old are you anyway ? 10 ? Do your parents know that your on our blog site ?
    I heard that the new paper in town will not be reporting bad news or misdoings here in Idyllwild. If its raining here , you wont read it there. Only sunny days will be reported. If the New York times gets wind of this, maybe they"ll start doing it also. I hear tourism is down there too. That way it can be sunny everywhere.
    Now, do your homework and brush your teeth. And then, LIGHTS OUT.

  3. Dear Optimistic,
    Though I appreciate your kind sentiment regarding wanting frank and I to take the helm at the Town Crier, I think it would be ill advised. For starters I couldn't bear disappointing yet another woman (the first was my mother, upon my delivery she was quoted as saying "I knew I shouldn't have smoked during pregnancy"). Secondly, look how drunk with power Frank and I have become with just a blog site, could you imagine what we would do with a national publication like the TC? No, best to leave the paper in the hands of the professionals. And as far as "The Age of Being Nice to Each Other" goes, you should know that Frank and I are always nice to each other.

  4. Conor, You appear to be a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome rather than the smoking thing. You'd be under your 245 lbs if it was smoking.
    Isn't the new newspapers name, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" with the Chief playing the wicked witch? Oh I forgot. That's Becky's version of it.
    Well first issue due this week. Should be fun. Let's see who's advertising in it.

  5. Dear Conor:
    How did you manage to drive around Hawaii with your tattooed ass hanging out the window? Let me put this delicately: that's why everyone was honking at you... Also the Dodge Intrepid; let's face it, that could provoke ridicule anywhere. Anyway, in case you weren't paying attention, it's "locals' we're going to execute. No tourists will be harmed in the process.

  6. Dear Fritz and Coroner;
    Sorry about calling you Colon. I'm a stickler for spelling and punctuation. I make a little hobby of trolling websites for grammar errors and reporting them to webmasters. Or sometimes to the FBI.
    Now, may I offer my services for your execution plan. I maintain extensive dossiers on all the "A-list locals," drawing upon my many government connections from my years at the state Bureau of Weights, Standards and Measures.
    I spend the days of my retirement tuning into my police scanner, which broadcasts not only local police and sheriff's frequencies, but also state, federal, Interpol and other international law enforcement agencies.
    As such I am well- poised to report on who hits off-notes in musical performances, who parks their SUVs in compact spaces, and who serves a bad cut of meat at the Legion barbecue. Please let me know how I can assist.

  7. Dear Bobcatty,
    If I told you how I manage to drive with my tattooed ass hanging out the window it would cause more speculation about my already larger than life persona. Also, I didn't ask for the Dodge Intrepid they gave it to me. I wouldn't normally be caught dead driving such an obviously lame suburban vehicle as that. I wanted the mini-van. So long as it's only locals you're planning to execute, that's ok, I can live with that. Get my list before the festivities begin.

  8. Art Farkel,
    Ok, you're forgiven for the misrepresentation of my name, however I have a sneaking suspicion that it wasn't a mistake. Let it be known that you're only forgiven because you're actually fairly clever, and cleverness trumps name bastardization. Your agency connections are quite impressive. Perhaps you'd be interested in a Herbert Hoover dress-up doll I have for sale. If you're interested in assisting us, perhaps you'd like to be our blog enforcer. You're job would be to put a verbal hit on anyone who tries to attack us via this blog. The hit would incorporate your clever verbal skills, which I've already mentioned, and your sense of ironic sarcasm to neutralize the assailant. In short you'd have our backs, but not our back-sides. Let us know if you're interested. There is no pay involved, only the prestige of being a Frank and Conor unpaid employee. You must be on call around the clock, able to respond to a possible slight at a moment's notice. Sound good?

  9. Dear Anonymous,
    Oh, I see. So now drinking massive amounts of alcohol during pregnancy is a "syndrome"? What's next? Excessive hand washing? Or is that still just a "disorder"? I've about had it with this politically correct society we live in. And for the record, I haven't weighed 245lbs since Tuesday. And about this new newspaper coming out this week, I have one question. Do they have a blog-site like ours? I don't think soooo! So what's the point?

  10. Dear Conrad;
    Damn, it's nice to be appreciated. Be glad to cover your backs. Good thing it doesn't include your backsides; that's too much territory for one man to cover.
    If you wish to reach me, you can find my contact information concealed beneath the day-old roast chicken under the heat lamp at Fairway Market. You'll have to get the decoder ring in the cereal aisle.
    About that Herbert Hoover Dress-up doll. What kind of nancy boy would want one of those? But if you don't mind my asking, is it the drag version, or the one with lederhosen? I hope its the official licensed model. Remember, I can verify authenticity, so don't try peddling any cheap, Czechoslovakian knockoffs.
    I'll be waiting by my police scanner for my first assignment.
    Yours, furtively,
    Art Farkel

  11. Connor,

    Nobody wants to watch your backside but they can’t miss it, especially when your ass is hanging out the window. It wasn’t the Intrepid that revealed you were a tourist; it was your pasty white butt. Next time apply some dull finish. You may not look like a local but the reflection won’t blind everybody.

    Being the civic-minded person I am, I attended the arsey icy meeting tonight to see what the controversy was all about. I still don’t know but would like to help these arsey’s out. What would you recommend?


  12. Connor,

    I will skip all comments about your world famous posterior and jump immediately to the second paragraph of the posting of Anonymous.

    Like Anonymous I attended the arsey icy (cute!!) meeting last night.

    First let me thank you for your eloquent support for the future Idyllwild Community Center.

    As I see it Bill Brown, the county employee in charge of supervising the CSA's and insuring that tax payers money is appropriately spent, wants some more details about the reporting done to him by CSA 36 and ICRC. CSA 36 and ICRC stated that they would be delighted to supply all those details. All this could have been handled with a few phone calls, emails and snail mails.

    Like Anonymous I attended the meeting to "see what the controversy was all about" . After attending the meeting I came to the conclusion that there was no controversy. The Town Crier manufactured a controversy and sent the poor Bill Brown on a wild-goose chase* that the good folks of Idyllwild were invited to watch. Is this "recreation" ? The magnificent Summer Concerts were far superior!

    *I take the liberty to repeat here the remark made at the meeting by my good friend Hubert.

  13. While I agree in essence with everything said in the last 2 posts (including the Conar's rear end remarks), ICRC made a big booboo and Bill Brown needed to let them know it. Mr. Brown travelled 1.5 hours to attend an ICRC meeting and was told it was closed meeting. This is the man that represents their major funding source. How stupid is that? I don't care what the meeting was about. This man shows, you let him in, explain the nature of the meeting and ask for his confidentiality. Bill has every right to question their JUDGEMENT if not their brains. If the group can't switch gears for a meeting on the spot, how are they going to make decisions regarding millions of dollars. We all (or most) want the Community Center, and ICRC has to be transparent in their actions. If President Chris Singer in merely a "volunteer and an Innkeeper" perhaps she should step down and not use that as an excuse for anything.

  14. Dear Art Farkel,
    I'm so pleased you accepted our invitation to join our team. With you watching our back I will sleep easier and can finally unload the gun I keep in my PJ's. You came out of the gate swinging. You let it known from the get go that anyone who come after Frank or me will feel the full brunt of your literary prowess. You strutted like a fine peacock of language striking awe and fear into the hearts of would assailants. As for the J. Edgar Hoover doll, I believe I originally misled you by calling it the "Herbert Hoover" doll, I believe it's the Kim Novak edition, where J. Edgar is dressed in a baby doll nightie. He's sporting a five o'clock shadow to boot, so it's real collector's item. Consider it yours upon completion of your first assignment. Lay off the police scanner and start scanning our blog for anyone trying to take us down a notch. When you recognize a target you may strike at your discretion. From now on I will address you as "swift and silent", a name my wife gave me shortly after my 50th birthday. I don't like the name and am passing it along to you. Keep up the good work.

  15. Yeah but still,
    I enjoyed cocktails the other night and appreciated your take on how to deal with a drug adapted bear who escapes from a cage at 45 mph. Your insights into paw slapping were delightful. You can help "arsy" out by playing with your dog at the dog park. No one ever uses it and your participation would give the impression that's it's a big success. Let's raise a glass again in the near future and perhaps you can enlighten me with how best to handle an angry badger.

  16. Dear Peter,

    Thank you so much for skipping the comments about my infamous posterior. You are a saint and all world should know it.

  17. Anonymous~
    If Chris Singer was to step down maybe you should step up! I absolutely love how people can stand back and point fingers but are unwilling to donate their time to the community. Chris Singer is a wonderful president and now that your regular dive have been shut down due to serving a minor you can come over to the Arcy Icy (Love this) meetings. You sound very bitter and Conor/Frank, if I may, lend some sound advice…I believe you need a good dose of Sunday school. I’m not talking attending Church, as I’m sure you would criticize these happy people too. I’m talking Sunday school where everyone eats Goldfish crackers and sings Jesus Loves Me. There is another alternative to finding happiness and to rid your anger. Call Jack FM and request the one hit wonder by Norman Greenbaum “Spirit in the Sky” this way you’ll know you have a friend in Jesus!

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  19. Dear Ms. Good Advice
    Alright, we'll make an exception just this once. But, if you chose to continue to administer "good advice" on this site which advertises "bad advice" I'm going to have to ask you to return your "bad advice" library card. This may sound unduly harsh but "good advice" is like a cancer and if ignored it can ravage the body faster than the closing of El Diablo. Enjoy your moment, but just this once.

  20. Ms. Good Advice,

    Please go away and stay away. Forever.

  21. Hello,
    I do not understand how a "Hollywood" slanted blog has infiltrated this mountain. I left that scene ages ago, before talkies, and I hope it has not followed me to this Alpine Retreat. For I can go no further.

    Is there a certain sprouted groupe of modern progressive people who are members of a Elite Organization that has the intentions of improving the community, while remembering and respecting the local history? For I am not Modern, I am age old Wisdom.

    And if so, does one have to be witty, cute, and cosmopolitan to associate? For I am no longer.

    Is your intention to entertain or to enlighten, for it might be myself who fails to appreciate the lighthearted, yet cynical and "scar-castic" prose reflected on these pages. For I am still innocent.

    I spend more time down by Julian now, for they seem to respect and share with flatlanders the beauty, history and peace of the Wilderness. For they do not joke at me.

    I am a proud Mountain Specter, a creature of the Mountain.
    For I battle the hill for food, face the cold, and endure many hardships as the steward of the Wilderness.
    And I will watch over all of you, if you remember.

    Please respond, as I wait with baited breath. For I am here. Always.

    With all due respect,
    The Tahquitz Monster.

  22. To F&C. It is inherent, in all societies, to shun and ridicule "Ass Clowns" wherever they may roam.

  23. Mrs Good Advice
    I know a double agent when I see one. That good advice is really bad advice.
    First of all, Jack FM doesn't take requests. You call up with one and they put you on a "hit list"; they call your home at random times of night and play the Greatest Hits of Air Supply, the BeeGees and REO Speedwagon. Also, watch out for the free MC Hammer pants offer. As skilled and savvy as I am, I have to admit I've fallen for that one more than once.
    Corner doesn't need goldfish crackers to be happy; in fact, they give him hives. Corner's not bitter. In fact at all! In fact he's happiest heckling others, but being the magnanimous gentleman that he is, he would never do that during Sunday School. Only during weddings or funerals.

  24. Dear Corner;
    As a stickler for typos, I must apologize for the misplaced sentence fragment in the last post.
    It's Sunday morning, and I spent a long Saturday night engaged in reconnaissance activities with my night-vision goggles at the dump.
    I returned home in the wee hours of the morning and was awakened every half hour by phone calls playing REO Speedwagon bumpers.
    Yours, clandestinely,
    Art Farkel

  25. Conor,

    First of all, it's "Kauai", not "Kaui". You're probably so busy learning your lines that you don't have time to use spell check...

    We say "flatlanders" not because we think we're superior for having moved up here. In fact, there's probably a higher "loser quotient" on the Hill. Of course, there's actually quite a few really great people scattered among the toothless meth producers.

    It's just that there are certain things in common about our friends from off the hill, due to their unfamiliarity with mountain life. Like coming up from the desert in November in shorts. Or overturning, so that they're constantly either across the yellow lines into oncoming traffic, or they're past the white line on the right. Or freaking out about the possibility of having to drive off the HIll at night. Or being afraid of bats. That kind of thing...

    We humans love to differentiate ourselves into minute categories. It's so we don't have to think about the fact that most of us are unremarkable, if pleasant, people.


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